What are the signs of coercive control in a relationship, and why are they so dangerous? A 2023 review by the Australian Institute of Family Studies defines coercive control as a pattern of manipulative behaviours used by one partner to dominate, intimidate, and restrict the autonomy of the other. Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often subtle, gradual, and insidious, which makes it harder to recognise, yet it is one of the strongest predictors of escalating abuse.
Because coercive control manifests differently in every relationship, it can be challenging to identify. However, if something feels wrong in your relationship but you can’t quite explain why, trust your intuition, your instincts are often the earliest warning system.
Recognising the signs of coercive control is the first step toward understanding what is really happening. My recent article, ‘What is coercive control and why is it so harmful?’, provides an in-depth look at the complexities of this hideous pattern of behaviour.
What Are Two Clear Signs of Coercive Control in a Relationship?
How Does Isolation From Friends and Family Signal Coercive Control?
Coercive partners isolate their significant others to increase their dependence, ensuring that their perspective is the only one you hear. Initially, it may appear that your partner simply wants to spend more time with you. They might say they miss you when you are out with friends or insist that certain family members do not have your best interests at heart.
However, over time, a pattern emerges, social events become a source of conflict, friendships and family relationships are questioned, and you start to feel guilty for wanting time apart. They may use guilt-tripping, create drama to make socialising feel exhausting, or even outright forbid you from maintaining certain relationships.
The objective is to erode your external support system so that you become entirely reliant on them for validation, which they can just as easily withdraw. If you have begun distancing yourself from friends, avoiding family, or feeling anxious about your partner’s reaction when you spend time with others, it may be a sign of coercive control.
A 2017 study conducted by Escola Anna Nery and published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that controlling individuals systematically isolate their partners to weaken their support networks and restrict their lives, ensuring that their focus remains entirely on the abuser. This isolation also leaves victims with nowhere to turn when they begin to recognise the unhealthy nature of the relationship.
Dr. Emma Katz, a leading researcher on coercive control and domestic abuse confirms these findings and said: “Isolation is one of the most powerful tools in an abuser’s arsenal because it strips victims of their lifelines. When your world shrinks to just you and your partner, their voice becomes the only one you hear, making it easier for them to rewrite reality. Survivors often describe the moment they reconnected with a friend or family member as a turning point in recognising their situation for what it truly was.”
If your partner makes it difficult for you to visit friends or family, or constantly demands to know who you are with, do not mistake this for protectiveness. Maintaining relationships outside your partnership is not only healthy but may also prove vital in the future.
How Does Restricting Your Movements Show Coercive Control?
If you cannot go anywhere without your partner’s “permission,” it is a clear warning sign and a major red flag. Similarly, if you find yourself avoiding certain places just to keep them comfortable, it is worth stepping back and reassessing your relationship dynamics.
What may initially seem harmless can escalate quickly. There is a fine line between a partner wanting to stay informed for your safety and someone actively controlling where you can and cannot go. Those who engage in coercive control often go to great lengths to assert dominance, making it clear, whether subtly or overtly, that defying their expectations will have consequences.
A 2021 study published in the Journal of Gender-Based Violence found that coercive control escalated significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic, with perpetrators exploiting lockdown restrictions to further isolate their victims. One case detailed in the study involved a survivor’s partner falsely reporting that she had tested positive for the virus to prevent her from boarding a flight, demonstrating how controlling behaviour can extend to extreme levels.
Other common tactics restricting your movements include:
- Preventing you from going to work or social engagements.
- Monitoring your whereabouts via phone tracking apps.
- Restricting your access to transport, such as refusing to let you drive or taking away travel documents.
- Setting time related regulations, time restrictions, or demanding constant check-ins.
Coercive control is about power and domination, not concern. If your movements are being monitored or controlled, this is one of many warning signs of an abusive relationship.
How Can Finding Help After Recognising These Signs Protect Your Safety?
One of the most concerning aspects of coercive control is that victims often don’t realise what’s happening until they are deeply entangled in the abuser’s web. By the time restrictions on movement become obvious, the victim’s sense of autonomy has already been severely diminished. Recognising these signs early can be life-saving.
If you feel you are being isolated from your support network or your movements are being restricted, please try and confide in someone you trust. And if necessary, start considering a plan for a safe exit, because coercive control is not just unhealthy, it is dangerous and can ultimately lead to physical violence too.
About the Author
Now recognised as a Gender-Based Violence Expert, Robert Kaiser specialises in criminology-informed strategies to prevent violence against women, integrating insights from sociology and behavioural psychology. He is currently pursuing a PhD in Criminology, focusing on Synthesising Escalation Pattern Analysis Across the Dynamics of Intimate Partner Violence to Improve Lethality Assessments. If you would like to follow his academic journey and access his publications, please visit his ResearchGate profile.
Robert has worked closely with hundreds of female survivors of physical and sexual crimes and is the author of NEVER A VICTIM, a 530-page survivor-led, trauma-informed guide to women’s safety.