Practical Ways to Help a Friend Escape An Abusive Relationship Safely
When someone close to you finds themselves in the clutches of an abusive relationship, the urge can be really overwhelming to help. You might feel helpless, torn, or even afraid your intervention may accidentally make things worse. Helping a friend through this terrifying ordeal is not just an act of kindness, but one that offers you an opportunity to guide them toward rebuilding their life in safety. The following are practical ways you can help a loved one to escape an abusive relationship safely. Understanding the Dynamics of an Abusive Relationship Before trying to help, it’s important to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. By now, most of us know that domestic abuse is not limited to physical violence; it can include emotional manipulation, financial control, sexual coercion, and psychological intimidation. Many victims stay in an abusive relationship because leaving often feels even more dangerous and frightening than staying. They may fear losing their home, the impact on their children, or the financial and legal battles ahead. Others may fear the potential physical repercussions and ongoing threats. Our shared priority must be to empower these women to stay in their own homes, maintain their surroundings, and live in a way that encourages stability. Instead of disrupting the lives of these women, our efforts must focus directly on the abusing partner-through legal intervention, investigation, and prosecution if necessary. In this way, the victim’s home will once again become a safe and peaceful place. Several international studies and research, such as by the Australia, the Staying Home Leaving Violence (SHLV) Program exemplify the approach of enabling women to remain safely in their homes. This is just one of many international initiative focuses on removing the perpetrator and providing support services to the victim, thereby maintaining stability for women and their children. The program’s objective is to prevent homelessness by ensuring that women can stay in their own homes, preserving their community ties and support networks. However, this is often not possible, therefore please note the following guidance and recommendations: Listen Without Judgment The most important thing one can do to help a person in an abusive relationship is to listen without judgment. When a friend or loved one opens up to you, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or even critique their decisions; instead, create a space where they feel really heard and supported. Reassure them with words like, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” “It’s not your fault,” or “I believe you.” They may not be ready to take action right away, and that’s absolutely okay. Building trust and providing unwavering support is vital in laying the groundwork for their next steps. Focus on Safety First Safety must always be the top priority, both during the relationship and if, or when, your friend is planning to escape or leave. Encourage your loved one to develop a practical safety plan. This might include identifying safe areas in their home with easy exits and no weapons, packing an emergency bag with essentials like identification, money, keys, medications, and documents, or establishing a discreet code word to signal they’re in danger. In fact, I have written an article specifically about this subject, and I kindly invite you to read it: Your Emergency Bag Packlist for Leaving an Abusive Relationship. Advise them to document any evidence regarding abuse, which can be in the form of photos of injuries, threatening messages, or even detailed journal entries that might come in handy if legal action is taken. Let them know this is not to force them out of their homes but to ensure they are safe while determining what’s next. Empower Them to Decide The urge to take over might feel like a formidable temptation. However, your friend needs to know that they have a choice. Victims of abuse often feel very powerless in their lives, and even the most well-intentioned interventions can reinforce this feeling. Instead of telling them what they should do, provide resources, information, and options, and let them decide what feels right for them. Empowering survivors of domestic abuse to make their own decisions is crucial for their recovery and autonomy. Psychology Today emphasises that “we must empower the victims of abuse to leave without worsening their plight if they stay,” highlighting the importance of supporting survivors’ choices. You might offer to go with them to the police, lawyer, or support organisation, or ask what step feels most urgent for them right now. This not only empowers them to feel confident but also affirms their capability in taking back control of their life. Encourage Professional Support While your support is invaluable, please be aware that many situations require professional help to get out of such, sometimes very complex, difficulties. Encourage your friend to contact domestic abuse hotlines, shelters, counselling, or lawyers with whom she trusts. Offer to aid in making such connections or to accompany your friend to appointments if this will make her comfortable. Professional help offers the skills and knowledge to approach the many problems that accompany a person leaving the abusive relationship. Target the Abusive Partner A necessary turn in addressing domestic abuse is a shift toward perpetrator accountability. It needs to be the abuser who faces disruption, consequences, and removal, not the victim. Encourage your friend to seek protective measures such as restraining orders or non-molestation orders that may prevent the abuser from coming near them or contacting them. Advocate for due investigation, arrest, and prosecution when appropriate. Society really must change the question: from “Why doesn’t she leave?” to “Why isn’t he stopped?” We need to address the perpetrator, and by doing so, we empower the victim and ensure their right to safety within her own home. Rebuild the concept of a home being a safe space, a sanctuary, not a place of fear. You can also help your friend retake their space by helping with practical security measures, such as changing the locks, installing cameras, or adding an alarm system. Proactively getting the police