Practical Ways to Help a Friend Escape An Abusive Relationship Safely
When someone close to you finds themselves in the clutches of an abusive relationship, the urge can be really overwhelming to help. You might feel helpless, torn, or even afraid your intervention may accidentally make things worse. Helping a friend through this terrifying ordeal is not just an act of kindness, but one that offers you an opportunity to guide them toward rebuilding their life in safety. The following are practical ways you can help a loved one to escape an abusive relationship safely. Understanding the Dynamics of an Abusive Relationship Before trying to help, it’s important to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. By now, most of us know that domestic abuse is not limited to physical violence; it can include emotional manipulation, financial control, sexual coercion, and psychological intimidation. Many victims stay in an abusive relationship because leaving often feels even more dangerous and frightening than staying. They may fear losing their home, the impact on their children, or the financial and legal battles ahead. Others may fear the potential physical repercussions and ongoing threats. Our shared priority must be to empower these women to stay in their own homes, maintain their surroundings, and live in a way that encourages stability. Instead of disrupting the lives of these women, our efforts must focus directly on the abusing partner-through legal intervention, investigation, and prosecution if necessary. In this way, the victim’s home will once again become a safe and peaceful place. Several international studies and research, such as by the Australia, the Staying Home Leaving Violence (SHLV) Program exemplify the approach of enabling women to remain safely in their homes. This is just one of many international initiative focuses on removing the perpetrator and providing support services to the victim, thereby maintaining stability for women and their children. The program’s objective is to prevent homelessness by ensuring that women can stay in their own homes, preserving their community ties and support networks. However, this is often not possible, therefore please note the following guidance and recommendations: Listen Without Judgment The most important thing one can do to help a person in an abusive relationship is to listen without judgment. When a friend or loved one opens up to you, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or even critique their decisions; instead, create a space where they feel really heard and supported. Reassure them with words like, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” “It’s not your fault,” or “I believe you.” They may not be ready to take action right away, and that’s absolutely okay. Building trust and providing unwavering support is vital in laying the groundwork for their next steps. Focus on Safety First Safety must always be the top priority, both during the relationship and if, or when, your friend is planning to escape or leave. Encourage your loved one to develop a practical safety plan. This might include identifying safe areas in their home with easy exits and no weapons, packing an emergency bag with essentials like identification, money, keys, medications, and documents, or establishing a discreet code word to signal they’re in danger. In fact, I have written an article specifically about this subject, and I kindly invite you to read it: Your Emergency Bag Packlist for Leaving an Abusive Relationship. Advise them to document any evidence regarding abuse, which can be in the form of photos of injuries, threatening messages, or even detailed journal entries that might come in handy if legal action is taken. Let them know this is not to force them out of their homes but to ensure they are safe while determining what’s next. Empower Them to Decide The urge to take over might feel like a formidable temptation. However, your friend needs to know that they have a choice. Victims of abuse often feel very powerless in their lives, and even the most well-intentioned interventions can reinforce this feeling. Instead of telling them what they should do, provide resources, information, and options, and let them decide what feels right for them. Empowering survivors of domestic abuse to make their own decisions is crucial for their recovery and autonomy. Psychology Today emphasises that “we must empower the victims of abuse to leave without worsening their plight if they stay,” highlighting the importance of supporting survivors’ choices. You might offer to go with them to the police, lawyer, or support organisation, or ask what step feels most urgent for them right now. This not only empowers them to feel confident but also affirms their capability in taking back control of their life. Encourage Professional Support While your support is invaluable, please be aware that many situations require professional help to get out of such, sometimes very complex, difficulties. Encourage your friend to contact domestic abuse hotlines, shelters, counselling, or lawyers with whom she trusts. Offer to aid in making such connections or to accompany your friend to appointments if this will make her comfortable. Professional help offers the skills and knowledge to approach the many problems that accompany a person leaving the abusive relationship. Target the Abusive Partner A necessary turn in addressing domestic abuse is a shift toward perpetrator accountability. It needs to be the abuser who faces disruption, consequences, and removal, not the victim. Encourage your friend to seek protective measures such as restraining orders or non-molestation orders that may prevent the abuser from coming near them or contacting them. Advocate for due investigation, arrest, and prosecution when appropriate. Society really must change the question: from “Why doesn’t she leave?” to “Why isn’t he stopped?” We need to address the perpetrator, and by doing so, we empower the victim and ensure their right to safety within her own home. Rebuild the concept of a home being a safe space, a sanctuary, not a place of fear. You can also help your friend retake their space by helping with practical security measures, such as changing the locks, installing cameras, or adding an alarm system. Proactively getting the police
Your Emergency Bag Checklist for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
This article provides a comprehensive checklist of what to include in your emergency bag and why certain items matter. Escaping an abusive relationship is an incredibly brave and critical step toward reclaiming your safety and well-being. Preparing an emergency bag can significantly ease the process of leaving and help ensure you have the necessary items to protect yourself and your dependents during and after your escape. Personal Identification Documents Securely store as many of the following documents as possible in a location outside your home, where your partner cannot find them, without arousing suspicion: Birth Certificate: Proof of identity and citizenship. Passport: For international travel and alternative proof of citizenship. National Insurance Number, Social Security Number (or equivalent — subject to your country): Required for employment, taxes, and accessing government benefits. State-Issued ID or Driving Licence (for US Citizens): Necessary for identification, driving, and voting. Financial and Estate Planning Documents (where and when applicable) Will: Specifies how your assets will be distributed after death and can appoint guardians for minor children. Power of Attorney: Authorises someone to make financial or legal decisions on your behalf. Tax and Financial Records Tax Returns: Proof of income and compliance with tax laws. Banking Information: Including account details and financial statements. Property Deeds and Titles: Proof of ownership for homes, vehicles, or other significant assets. Insurance Policies: Copies of health, life, auto, home, and other insurance documents. Family and Relationship Documents Marriage Certificate: Proof of marital status (if applicable) for legal and financial matters. Divorce Decree (if applicable): Details of a divorce settlement. Adoption Papers (if applicable): Proof of legal adoption. Child Custody Agreements (if applicable): Specifies custody and visitation rights. Restraining Order (if applicable): Provides legal protection and outlines restrictions against your abuser. Miscellaneous Documents Immigration Papers (if applicable): Essential for those on visas or with immigration status considerations. Insurance Papers: Copies of all policies that are not covered under financial records. Your Abuser’s Details: National Insurance Number or Social Security Number (or equivalent — subject to your country), car registration number, and a recent photograph. Sharing this information with trusted individuals, such as neighbours, workplace colleagues, or authorities at your new location, can significantly enhance your safety. Clothing and Children’s Items Packing clothing and personal care items ensures you have the basics needed to maintain dignity and hygiene during your transition. Clothing: Aim to pack clothing that your partner is unlikely to notice missing. Avoid packing his favourite items, as he might quickly realise, they are gone if you’re not wearing them for an extended period. Children’s Items: Any specific items your children may need for their immediate care and comfort, especially those that could be difficult to organise after an escape. Medications and Health Essentials Neglecting health needs can lead to unnecessary complications. I suggest you pack the following: Prescriptions: At least a one-week supply of any medications you or your children take regularly. Health Records: Copies of immunisation records and medical histories. Communication Tools Maintaining safe and effective communication is critical. Consider packing: Mobile Phone/Cell Phone and Charger: A prepaid or secondary, fully charged phone if your primary one is monitored. Small Portable Power Bank: This is worth considering, to ensure your devices remain charged in emergencies. Important Contact Numbers: Write down emergency helpline numbers, trusted friends’ contact details, and addresses for shelters or safe locations. Legal and Escape Resources Ensure you know where to go and who to contact for immediate support and safety. Shelter Information: In case you are heading to a refuge or shelter, secure addresses and phone numbers. Helpline Numbers: National and local helplines dedicated to supporting those escaping domestic abuse… just in case. Comfort and Emotional Support Items While practical items are crucial, don’t underestimate the power of personal and sentimental belongings. However, the following items should only be considered if they can be stored away safely without raising suspicion by an abusive partner: Photos or Keepsakes: A small item that offers emotional strength. Children’s Comfort Items: Such as a favourite stuffed animal or blanket to help your child feel secure. Also, if you have pets, consider making arrangements to ensure their safety as well. Pet food, leash, collar, and carrier (for safe transport), and vaccination records (required for entry into some shelters or care facilities). Please note that it is crucial to prepare your emergency bag safely. Pack discreetly and, if possible, pack gradually to avoid drawing attention. Consider leaving the bag with a trusted friend, relative, or neighbour. Ensure the bag is easily accessible by storing it in a secure location, such as a workplace locker or with a trusted individual. Equally important is identifying escape routes. Plan the fastest and safest ways to leave your home, and practise using these routes both physically and mentally. If you have children, carefully consider their age and maturity before discussing the plan to avoid unintentional disclosures. Finally, inform trusted individuals about your situation. Choose carefully who you can trust, i.e. friends, family members, neighbours, your children’s teachers, or your work colleagues. Share a recent photo of your abuser with those less familiar with them to further enhance your safety following your escape. For detailed insights into the potential risks and consequences of being in an abusive relationship, what warning signs to watch for, and the actions you can take, as well as further information on ’emergency bag checklist’, please consider reading my book, NEVER A VICTIM – The Definitive Guide to Women’s Safety.